McDonald’s Ashtray
“Quit vaping and took up smoking again. Nothing says Merry Christmas like tipping your fag ash into a vintage McDonald’s glass ashtray.”

Rare Burberry Barbie (1999)
“Sorry Margo Robbie but you’ve got nothing on this limited-edition Burberry Barbie. Making that the gayest sentence I’ve said all year.”

Bovril Wall Clock
“I can’t tell the time but man do I love gravy.”

Tan Denim Timberland Boots (Size 8)
“Big sleigh. Rocked a pair of these in 2005, it’s time to bring them back I think.”

Pot Noodle Machine
“Swapping turkey this year for Pot Noodle sandwiches. Real festive.”

Red Stone Island Duffle Coat
“The vibe I’m going for this Christmas day is: Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men meets Paddington Bear. Total hard nut.”

Lapin & Me Lamp
“To take the edge off my Stone Island duffle coat, how cute is this bunny lamp?”

Tennent’s Super Lager Tie Clip
“I’m sure some TikTok tweens already done this, but in 2024 I’m bringing back tie clips. You heard it here first though.”

Gold Fire Extinguisher
“I wouldn’t know how to use a fire extinguisher but this would look gorgeous in my studio corridor. 2024 practicality is in.”

Fry Up Condom
“This festive season, never leave the house without one.”

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Balenciaga Houndstooth Coat £2,085

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